The gifting trifecta and rules of reciprocity
Yes, you should always bring a gift*
*Does the word “gift” conjure an image of a box, fully wrapped, with a bow, given on a a special occasion?
By the powers vested in me, I now free you of that mental image.
You don’t need a formal occasion to give a gift.
In life’s grand potentiality for giving gifts, those formal occasions are the fewest and rarest. That’s why that gift is usually the most special. Beyond that, the scenarios are murkier (…more awkward?)
A more expansive way of looking at gifting comes from the New Orleans tradition of lagniappe. A little something extra. A token of affection, from me to you.
Maybe some days you’re not feeling especially affectionate, or in a place to be generous, or in a rush. Yes, of course, you’re only human.
But if every time you show up empty handed because no one “expects it”… what does that speak of your character?
I can hear you saying but-but-but - and I hope you can see me shrugging back at you.
That’s the nature of reciprocity.
rec·i·proc·i·ty
/ˌresəˈpräsədē/
noun
the practice of exchanging things with others for mutual benefit
Gifting isn’t supposed to be altruistic. It’s a practice of reinforcing a relationship. In the ancient Greek tradition, it was part of xenia, ritualized friendship.
It’s modern equivalent is the dinner party, hosted at a friend or family’s. The host tells you they have everything covered. Instead of thinking, “then I don’t need to bring a gift,” think instead, “how do I express my affection?”
The gifting trifecta
Trifecta 1.0
Originally, the default gift for any situation appeared simple. Dinner parties. Job promotions. Recovering from illness. The formula was simple, easily attainable and nearly universal: wine, chocolate or flowers
But then all these edge cases gnawed on me. What if the host doesn’t drink? What if you found this really nice cheese you wanted to share? What if you’re on a boat and don’t know if they own a vase?
Trifecta 2.0
Trifecta 2.0 abstracts the categories to cover almost every conceivable scenario.
Consumable: Wine, chocolate, cheese, artisanal sodas, pastries, a jar of pickles you made yourself (default to the homemade, where possible)
Loveliness: Flowers, candles, a framed picture of everyone, a new serving spoon
Entertaining: a board game, a puzzle, a toast, gossip, a new puppy* or children**
*reserved for people who are into that sort of thing, **usually the grandparents
Even with these rules, it’ll still get awkward.
